Ever since I got back from the west coast, I’ve felt a little untethered, a little detached and uncertain. I was standing in Trader Joe’s the other day, picking out some oven roasted turkey, when I felt like I was outside my body, watching this mostly blonde girl do something to which my consciousness had absolutely no relation.

Being back in Walla Walla stirred up a whole mess of emotions that I wasn’t prepared to deal with and have been throwing to the rear of the psychic closet for some time. But with any trip to the past, it made me switch on the light and dig to the back. The visit made me think about the place I live and where I want to live eventually. How there will come a time when Philadelphia is no longer the best place for me to be. The unsatisfying nature of the work I do here in Philly, and how deeply I want to be putting my energy into something of my own creation. How I would really like to find a partner who is ready and willing to build something (a life, a business, a child) with me.

The fears I had about the reunion were basically unfounded. I was worried that my classmates would see me, judge me and conclude that somehow I was lacking. That didn’t happen. But in preparation for the onslaught of judgement that I thought would be coming, I did some evaluation of my own, which was the trigger for a lot of these feelings.

I don’t know much right now, but what I do know is that change is coming, and it is going to be big and right and scary and more wonderful than I ever thought possible.

0 thoughts on “Untethered

  1. Scott

    I’ve been thinking similiar thoughts as of late, when I’m not injuring myself.

    I feel the need to create something… I just don’t know what that it will be.

    Ain’t life grand? 🙂

  2. expatraveler

    I had those thoughts right about your age. That’s when I quit my job and moved to Europe for 3 full years. I’m no longer tied to an employer, have my own business and have experience so much more than I could ever imagine. 🙂

  3. Luna

    I also have such thoughts; like there is something out there that i’m missing out. I sort of think it’s influenced by so many people around me settling down lately.

    I’ve also had thoughts of going back west…but I have to confess though that in the past few months i’m starting to like Philadelphia.

  4. Marisa

    Scott–it definitely is grand, despite all the difficulties.

    Expatraveler–you give me encouragement and hope.

    Luna–That’s the big rub, as much as the west coast calls, I love Philly too.

  5. Neil

    Change is always scary, but it’s great that you’re going to face it head on. Even the fact that you went to your reunion when you had fears about it shows me that you’re a brave person, so I’m sure whatever you choose to do — you’ll do it well.


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