When I was in high school, my abilities to accomplish tasks were legendary. I created children’s theatre workshops, ran blood drives, acted in plays, coordinated youth group overnights, played handbells, organized and ran all technical aspects of school assemblies. I was driven, motivated and responsible.
Now I wonder, where did that girl go?
I don’t want to do anything anymore. I hate most of the responsibilities I’ve taken on at church, I haven’t read my book club book this month and I’ve only gone running once this week. The only thing that hasn’t become a chore is writing this blog (that’s because I love it). Completing my work at my job becomes a monumental task, requiring massive amounts of will power and mental dragging to get through the day.
I know what’s going on here. My carrot is missing. When I was in high school, I was in the race, on the path towards college and achievement. I did it all because I was under the impression that those things would get me somewhere, and that somewhere was deeply important to me at that time. I was sure that by getting to that place, I would be a happier person. A better person. A more liked person. But, as I grew up (damn maturity), I realized that wasn’t the case.
I guess it all comes down to love (doesn’t everything?). In those days I loved being successful, being lauded and achieving the next step. That motivator doesn’t work for me anymore, and I haven’t replaced it with something else I love. I don’t need to impress people or have them tell me how terrific I am. But I need something that will propel me forward into my future. If you have any ideas, let me know.