I’m a wreck.
Yesterday was shitty ass and while today is looking up, I’m not really back to my normal buoyant self.
Friday I was late (really late) to work. I called my boss to let her know, and then she wasn’t in when I got there. I was in for about an hour and then had to leave to pick up my packet for the Broad Street Run (okay, I didn’t have to, but I had plans to do so before my late night and didn’t change those plans). Traffic was ridiculous and I was gone from work for almost two hours. When I got back E. was there and she callled me on it. And she was justified, because I’ve been a pretty lousy employee lately. I don’t want to be there anymore, and it shows. So I spend most of yesterday suffering under the dual mantle of guilt and frustration. I feel guilty because I’m not my best self at work. In fact I’m about half of my best self there, which turns into a pretty mediocre Marisa who I don’t enjoy being. I’m frustrated because I don’t want to be there and because while the people I work with know I could do more, they don’t have any way of helping me do more.
I called my mom while I was driving home and ended up sobbing into my cell phone. She was sympathetic but also a little tough (because of the disservice I’m doing to my bosses).
So what do I do in the meantime, until I can move on to something else?
I try to change my attitude and choose peace (even if I have to re-choose peace every second of the day).
Life can really be a pain in the ass sometimes.