Ever since I got back from the west coast, I’ve felt a little untethered, a little detached and uncertain. I was standing in Trader Joe’s the other day, picking out some oven roasted turkey, when I felt like I was outside my body, watching this mostly blonde girl do something to which my consciousness had absolutely no relation.
Being back in Walla Walla stirred up a whole mess of emotions that I wasn’t prepared to deal with and have been throwing to the rear of the psychic closet for some time. But with any trip to the past, it made me switch on the light and dig to the back. The visit made me think about the place I live and where I want to live eventually. How there will come a time when Philadelphia is no longer the best place for me to be. The unsatisfying nature of the work I do here in Philly, and how deeply I want to be putting my energy into something of my own creation. How I would really like to find a partner who is ready and willing to build something (a life, a business, a child) with me.
The fears I had about the reunion were basically unfounded. I was worried that my classmates would see me, judge me and conclude that somehow I was lacking. That didn’t happen. But in preparation for the onslaught of judgement that I thought would be coming, I did some evaluation of my own, which was the trigger for a lot of these feelings.
I don’t know much right now, but what I do know is that change is coming, and it is going to be big and right and scary and more wonderful than I ever thought possible.