They say that a dearth of blogging indicates a full and happy life (and really, isn’t that what we’re all striving for?). That’s certainly been the case in my book, at least when it comes to this site. I have been blogging with some regularity over at Food in Jars, so the internet hasn’t been totally bereft of me (although, somehow I don’t think the internet would even notice if I were to entirely cease my additions to the discourse).
Much has happened in the last few weeks. I turned 30 on May 14th, much to my amazement. It boggles me to think that I’ve been knocking around this life for a full three decades. When I was younger, my grandma Bunny would often comment that her first reaction upon looking at herself in the mirror each morning was surprise. Her initial, fleeting thought was always, “Who is that old lady?” Inside herself, she didn’t feel any different than she had when she was young and so it was jarring to see that each day her outsides were changing while her essence remained the same.
When she’d tell me this as a child, I’d nod my head with great understanding, while thinking her crazy. I knew that I felt older with each passing year. Didn’t every number come with greater freedom and responsibility? Of course your insides changed and aged.
Now I understand what she meant. I look at myself and know that I don’t feel different in any essential way from how I knew myself to be five or six years ago. I know that I’ve adopted more of the trappings of adulthood over the last few years; the home, the possessions, the job, the degrees, the life partner. And yet.
I am not unhappy to be here. In fact, I’m quite pleased to have finally shaken off the uncertainty and struggle that graced my 20’s. I am grateful to be refining my path towards work that I love and I am filled with delight that I am marrying Scott, the guy who was my most wonderful friend, long before I slowly slid into love with him. So I recognize these grown-up things in my life, while noticing that I don’t feel any older. It’s a strange and miraculous thing.