I took the day off from work yesterday for no other reason than I needed a day (my roommate is in Florida this week, I have the place to myself, lovely!). I went to sleep on Thursday night without setting my alarm clock and my sleep was relaxed. It was without pressure, there was no anxiety, no countdown looking at the clock, thinking, “If I fall asleep RIGHT NOW, I can still get 7 hour (6 hours).” Waking in the morning was equally relaxed, a yawn and an unpanicked glance at the clock. I read, stumbled around my apartment in my pjs and generally felt no pressure from the outside world to accomplish anything. It was wonderful!
Another reason I needed this day was that I haven’t been good with balance lately. I haven’t been good at getting enough sleep, eating well enough or having enough time for myself. So yesterday was a was to recharge my self time. But I need to learn how to maintain this balance without getting to the point where I need to take that day (although I also think that in this country we have a less than healthy relationship to time off). I have always been someone who overcommits. In high school I was on student council (I was the assembly commissioner!) I was involved with drama and I was hugely committed at the Unitarian Church. Having obligations and commitments made me feel valuable, worthy and special. People expected things from me, I would accomplish them and they would say how terrific, how responsible, how smart I was. I needed that role, that job in all situations, in order to feel comfortable. I realize now that this over obligation was my way of dealing with my insecurities and self-consciousness, because when I was in charge I would have to fake being confident and self-assured in order to complete my task. Over the years, I realized that by faking it, I was slowly learning to be it. These days I function from a place that is pretty darn secure and confident, which leads me to ask the question “what am I getting from all my commitments these days?” I don’t have an answer, I’ll keep you posted as I figure it out!